April 8, 2011

There is an appointed time for everything.

Grief has settled in like the morning fog.
The heaviness of regret and loss has gathered. It settles over me and seeps into my bones; It permeates my thinking and my lack of doing.
Mom knew her days were numbered. Her life was drawing to a close. I knew too, but I couldn't seem to believe it. A couple of weeks before she died while I was visiting at her house, she wanted me to hear the songs she loved so well; songs she wanted at her funeral. I admit that being face-to-face with Mom and talking about her funeral was uncomfortable, yet she was sincere... She felt she had little time left. I thought she had more time than she did. We listened to Elvis singing "Precious Lord, Take my Hand".  I listened with interest when she opened the youtube clip. After the song she turned to me, looked me in the eyes and said, "This is the way I feel, Laurie." Later that week she was up to meeting for a meal one evening. Again she wanted to make sure I knew the chosen songs and to talk briefly about her funeral. I heard her and now, when I consider Mom making plans for her death, my mourning and regret give way to bone deep weariness as I remember and wish I could sit next to her and talk about anything

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven-- 
    A time to give birth and a time to die;
    A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. 
    A time to kill and a time to heal;
         A time to tear down and a time to build up. 
    A time to weep and a time to laugh;
         A time to mourn and a time to dance. 
    A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
         A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. 
    A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
         A time to keep and a time to throw away. 
    A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
         A time to be silent and a time to speak. 
    A time to love and a time to hate;
         A time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, 
And in His word do I hope. Psalm 130:5


TAB said...

I made tortillas today. From scratch. As I was rolling them I had the inclination to call Grandma later to tell her what I did. She would have been proud. Instead, I just became increasingly sad as I rolled and grilled my homemade tortillas. (very random, I know.)
But, I miss her and I know we all do. Love you Mom.

Laurie said...

Tab- She was always proud of you! Oh man, did she love you!!! I don't know how many times a day I think, "I'm gonna call Mom!" Oh my heart! (for sure!)
Love ya babe.

Olivia Arlene said...

I don't even know what to say.

I miss Grandma immensely!

I thought she had more time too. I have so many regrets. I go over our conversations in my head and I wish I would have listened better. I wish I would have spent more time by her side in those last few days.

I've thought of questions I wanted to ask her and I think of things I want to tell her throughout the day about the kids, or anything really!

I love you mom and I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine not having you in my life.

Laurie said...

Liv- I Know what you mean! I know it was a hilight for Grandma when you visited with her in her last days... and always. She LOVED her Liv!
Love ya!