Grief has settled in like the morning fog.
The heaviness of regret and loss has gathered. It settles over me and seeps into my bones; It permeates my thinking and my lack of doing.
Mom knew her days were numbered. Her life was drawing to a close. I knew too, but I couldn't seem to believe it. A couple of weeks before she died while I was visiting at her house, she wanted me to hear the songs she loved so well; songs she wanted at her funeral. I admit that being face-to-face with Mom and talking about her funeral was uncomfortable, yet she was sincere... She felt she had little time left. I thought she had more time than she did. We listened to Elvis singing "Precious Lord, Take my Hand". I listened with interest when she opened the youtube clip. After the song she turned to me, looked me in the eyes and said, "This is the way I feel, Laurie." Later that week she was up to meeting for a meal one evening. Again she wanted to make sure I knew the chosen songs and to talk briefly about her funeral. I heard her and now, when I consider Mom making plans for her death, my mourning and regret give way to bone deep weariness as I remember and wish I could sit next to her and talk about anything-
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven--
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait,
And in His word do I hope. Psalm 130:5