February 24, 2010

Here's The Thing Mehoff

1. Mesmerizing White Board

A national restaurant chain where Mike and I eat has a white board on a podium in the entry. It holds a special attraction for the hostess and wait staff.
Here’s how it works:

We walk into the restaurant. The hostess reluctantly looks up from the podium and the Mesmerizing White Board sometime after we arrive. She says, “Two?” (We give her credit for her way with numbers.) We distract her only momentarily from the Mesmerizing White Board (MWB). She resumes the trance with a dry erase marker in hand.
Then a waiter walks over to the hostess and the MWB. He quickly scans us, but his attention is drawn back to the MWB. He becomes fixated on the board as the hostess makes circles and “x”s with her pen, connecting symbols and designing methodically. The waiter is pointing to the board and making comments to the hostess in hushed tones. They have a fascination and devotion for the MWB. They study and adore it.
She makes more circles then Mike and I wonder at the MWB’s power to mesmerize and wonder if we could take a look. We don't ask. We just look longingly at the MWB and then at each other. The hostess and waiter glance over and murmur about what to do with us. Where to seat us. They point to the board and discuss why “here” might work but “there” wouldn’t work. Mike and I begin to get nervous about the discussion.
Finally a decision is made.
The hostess glances at us again, steps away from the MWB, mindlessly grabs some menus and napkin-wrapped eating utensils and says dully, “Follow me.”
We follow. We're mildly miffed and minimally amused at the ritual.

2. Chummy, Casual Waitress
Here comes the waitress. She’s too casual, too familiar. Too chummy. She rests a knee on our booth seat. “Hey guys. How‘s it goin? Are you drinking margaritas today or how bout a beer?” When we order water with lemon she looks dejected and takes her knee off the seat.

I shouldn't even start on Miss Casual Waitress not using an order pad for our order. She took our order from memory which added to the annoyance of her forgetting things or having to come back twice to clarify the order. This she did quite casually. "Peeve Mehoff!!"
But we just ate around it.

When we’re nearly finished, our waitress talks to us from the booth behind. She swipes up her tip from previous diners. She begins clearing off the table behind us with her knee on the seat and casually says, “So guys, are you about ready for some dessert?"
Remember, she's "doing her job" from the booth behind us!
We decline the dessert.

When we move to leave, the scene in the entry hasn't changed much. The hostess is still gazing at the MWB. She silently glances up as we leave. We remind ourselves that we like the food is why we eat here. We remember a time when the management was great and service was… better. We hope that one day we’ll walk in and be greeted by a convincing hostess who likes her "job mehoff" almost as much as the "Mesmerizing White Board Mehoff".  I remember a time when a friendly wait staff was the norm. I think it shouldn't be too much to ask. I wonder if I'm a "goof mehoff" for holding out hope?

"Mehoff" is a multi-functional word ending. I learned it from Tab who learned it at Bible college. 
Pick your noun, verb, adjective or any part-of-speech. End with "mehoff" and there you have it:  “freak mehoff”, "gross mehoff", "weird mehoff". 

You should try it in this “blog mehoff’s” comment “box mehoff.”
I know of no grammar rules for this. This is not about "rules mehoff".


Laurie said...

Oh Stink Mehoff! I forgot "Stink Mehoff"!

TAB said...

That post is hilarious!!!!! It rocks mehoff!

OyaSophia said...

This reminds me of my most recent experiences at Bahama Breeze! I love the food but the attitudes puzzle meoff. And that white board - annoying!

Laurie said...

"rock mehoff"!
"puzzle mehoff"!
That's what I'm talkin
about mehoff!

Yeehaw Mehoff!

Zoanna said...

Funny mehoff. I like your slice of life stories mehoff.

Olivia Arlene said...

Oh, I feel this way everytime we actually go out to eat somewhere other than McDonald's or Pizza mehoff!

I mean here we are going to actually spend a little more money on food that we hope will be good, and the host/hostess is so incompetent, and I hate the whispers mehoff!

And your two types of waiters/waitresses! So annoying mehoff! Don't try to impress me with your memory skills and don't try to be my friend, just do your job mehoff already! And get my order right mehoff and don't try to suck up, cause your tip will be the same regardless mehoff!

Wow, sorry, I didn't realize I felt so strongly on this topic mehoff, but I guess I do. Felt good to get that vent out.

Laurie said...

Liv- That's what I'm talkin about!
"Spit Spot Mehoff"!

tsbjf said...

First of all, the part about the MWB was HILARIOUS, so spot on.

Mehoff, that's funny!

Laurie said...

Joanne- You KNOW what I'm sayin about that MWB!

Zoanna said...

Meant to add that your profile picture is really cute mehoff.